Catching up

The confines of my bedroom is where I lay, but with sleeping baby on my chest. Her weekend was a little jammed so today is hers to catch up. 

A Christmas parade last night in my parents town was on her to do list, and while I thought she'd sleep right through it, she actually enjoyed being awake for the lights,sirens and all other crazy noises associated. It was nice to go to it again. You forget what it's like to do little town things when you live in big city debacle. Now that I'm back to work I feel like I am holding my breath the minute I set her down at daycare until the minute I pick her up. It's awful. Working is crucial though for the financial situation. The bills are stacking and it's going to take a while to get them all paid off. I know insurance helped, but it didn't feel like it at all. And now that there is three of us it feels like that's going to take half my paycheck "just in case" I need to see doctor.. The premiums and deductibles are so high is not worth it,but since there's madness in healthcare reform, we do what we have to to escape being slapped by the man. It's the same with car insurance. Every year it's rising to the point of unbearable. We might as well be playing bumper cars.

You wouldn't believe it but we are the safest drivers I know. No tickets no accidents....so what's with the rise? 

Every time I feel myself get flustered about money, I look at baby.

She's so sweet and loving. She has no idea on the cruel green that's making the world go round right now. It's my job to make sure she won't have to know prematurely. It's a tough job, and if I have to switch to a closer job in town versus where I am now then so be it. 

This really is my heart sitting outside my chest. She gives me a new sense of purpose.

Let sleeping babes lie

This saying couldn't be more true right now. I should say that I knew going in to it that having a baby wasn't going to mean I would have all the free time in the world.  I didn't expect to have little to no shower time, or breakfast time.....Yesterday was pretty hellacious as a new mom. I think I cried more than she did and all she had was gas. I blame myself considering she is breastfed. I guzzled way too much lemonade without even considering the consequences of so much acid in my system. I don't even want to think if the acid was just hurting her stomach or burning her on the way out.
Getting used to staying home was a lot harder than I expected for the smallest reasons. I walk in circles a lot, not because my house is a disaster area but because I haven't ever been home for long enough of a span to really just take it in. This is what my house looks like?? The baby is wonderful. If I could just walk away instead of staring at her cute little face all day, I might feel better about it all. It's the constant spinning in my mind that's driving me crazy. I don't want to go back to work but I don't see any way around it financially. So I stare at this cute little creation I have and wonder if she'll get the proper care once I do have to go back to the prison called a cubicle. Will I get different hours to make up for the fact I have to drive so far away? Will they understand when I'm the only one that can pick her up when she is sick because her dad may be traveling? Doubtful in only one area, but if that's the case, tough. I work with ladies that all had children. If they don't remember what it's like then they can fire me over something as minute as that. I never realized that my goals in life could drastically change once I had a baby. It's like I was made to have her. A job is a job is a job. Especially one that makes sure you are dull and uninteresting by the end of the day. My newest goal is to payoff any debt as a whole family we have so that I can spend any waking moment I can with baby K.
The animals have adjusted to baby k but they haven't adjusted to me not wanting them all over me. As I type this I can see every dog and there were all cats in here too. Talk about squeezing into one tiny room! I hate to see the revolt that happens when we aren't here all day!
I have a new project to work on for tonight's craft group. I was given a roll of precut strips to put together to make a quilt. The directions say that it takes an hour but since I only really stay at craft for an hour and a half and usually we don't get going until 8. There's still so many other projects I need to finish too. I need to remind myself to put them in list order and take pictures of the final products. This is where my no time and all the time dilemma comes in. I understand I won't have all the time in the world but the little time I do have should be spent better than wandering around in circles.

Oh baby!

Thursday was a pretty big day in my life. Probably one of the biggest. I finally gave birth to my daughter, K. I know everyone says it, so I'll just jump on board with the cliche.....my life has changed. It's changed in so many ways. All I can do is be reminded that some errors are little miracles, and that's sometimes the boost you need when you are feeling really low on faith. I was already going to once a week appointments, but the Friday before the n.p wanted me to have a quick ultrasound check on fluids and baby size. "Felt small" she said, but I'm a small girl so it's probably nothing. I get the check up and the tech says I was fine and sends me on my way. I went for my full term appointment on Thursday morning, and who brings me to the back? The ultrasound tech.
Confusion started to set in because why was I getting another? I'm at the 37 week mark. Mister was out of town as of the day or two before and I dislike getting ultrasounds without him. It feels like sneaking a peek at a Christmas present. Sometimes I'm not the greatest judge of character. I tend to think pessimistic ally about everyone. But, I knew this tech wasn't telling me anything for a reason because she reads like a book. Still, she changes subjects and asks me about my husband and how we met, when we got marrrrrried....etc... And then sends me to the room for the doctor visit.
At this point I decided if it was something they would tell me and I have to just calm the F down. Turns out, my doctor had no idea I was getting an ultrasound, but had they not, my body wasn't giving them any other signs that in fact, my fluids were in the ready-to-deliver zone. There was no way I wasn't ending the day without meeting Ms. K. I'd love to tell you I was jumping for joy. I wasn't. My husband was gone for another week and a half and all I want was to just see his face when I gave birth to our first baby. However I'm proud of myself for handling it nicely for someone that was sitting there alone talking about why my body just hid signals from me. I felt betrayed by my own body for what felt like the billionth time, once, I walked around on a bro ken foot for 2 years. 2 YEARS! How does my body just take that? I promise you it wasn't all stubbornness although that could of had a lot to do with it. Nonetheless I made my calls to my husband and family members I knew would have to drive a while, but being induced is supposed to take forever right? You think. But when baby makes a decision, she made her decision. Making the agreement for mister to get an evening flight was good so he could finish what he needed and not have flight problems considering where he was, but it did also cause him to miss the actual birth.
I was originally placed on pitocin around 11:30, water broken at noonish, and was sitting around talking with friends and the select family members. My original thought was to never get an epidural unless my husband saw me at my wits end and we called it, but he wasn't there and I didn't want to be dillusional if I couldn't hold out and I wanted to also comprehend when he did arrive. I did a lot of my decision making when I was able to kick everyone out and be alone. I love my family, but some members are pushed on me and its not good if I had to be in a focused mind. This is where I'm proud of myself. I couldn't of handled the day better in my own head. In my head I was just focusing on my husband coming home and having a healthy daughter. I didn't even notice some of the things going on in the room. Except when my friend Ellen told my aunt that "we've all seen a little period blood or blood when we first have sex....." (What?!?)
I was only checked twice before my epidural. Once at the doctors, and once with the breaking of my water. The next time I was checked was around 5:50-6:00pm and I was already dilated and ready to push. Baby K arrived at.......6:42pm. We didn't even really have the stirrups up until the last two pushes.
My husband arrived at 11:30 or so, the airport being only 15 minutes away, I'm sure he would have run there. I loved the look on his face. I loved that the first time she actually opened both eyes and studied an outline was his. I can't help but stare at them both when he holds her now, even a week later. He's the best support I'll ever have and I'm so thankful that even though he wasn't there, he still was able to be my biggest comfort, supporter, and go to man. I know we are in for sleepless nights and he has to deal with the sudden loose cannon of emotions I am, but we wouldn't have it any other way that someone placed an ultrasound check on my chart. I'll have to find out who that was and thank them from preventing what could have been a really bad ending.
Of course I'll use this to post pictures of baby. Hopefully now I can keep my update promises.